deus

It's like this:

My new desk at work is conveniently situated on the opposite side of the wall from one of the ladies' restrooms.

So all I hear all day now is women chatting it up and flushing toilets. I can't make out what they're saying (believe me, I've tried) cause it all ends up sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher. But I like to sit there and pretend I can hear them.

"Girl, I gotta shit so bad I can taste it!"

"Damn my crotch itches!"

"Holy SHIT! Did you hear how loud my piss was hitting the water? It's like I'm pouring out a fucking bucket of porridge into the toilet!"

I like to think that women talk like men when they're in the bathroom. It gets me through the day with a smile.

Which reminds me of my two all time favorite euphemisms for having to take a crap:

1) dropping kids off at the pool

2) packing a bowl

When I lived at home I got my dad in the habit of using "packing a bowl" cause he heard me once and thought it was funny. I never told him what the term actually meant. And because I never told him, he used it about every day for a year.

Every now and then I'd forget what was up and we'd be watching the TV or fixing a car of whatever it was that me and my dad did together, and he'd say "DAMN! I'm 'bout to pack the biggest bowl you've ever seen!"

And I'd be all "RIGHT THE FUCK ON! LET'S DO THIS!".....but then I'd remember he was merely explaning to me how full and uncomfortable his bowels had become.

I'm hungry.

October 11, 2001 | 4:31 p.m.

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