M!A!Y!H!A!W!

I was doing some stinkin' thinkin' this fine morning and I thought to myself "Goddamn! I LOVE biscuits and country gravy!" and then I left the warm comfort of the bathroom heading for the cold reality of the kitchen and what do my wandering eyes seize upon? BISCUITS AND COUNTRY GRAVY!

I was in redneck heaven!

Some of the biscuits were really thin and probably shouldn't be legally referred to as biscuits. They were more like wheat thins. But they were some good eatin'.

And before I left Georgia I made sure to pick me up a jar of that Southern delicacy Mayhaw jelly. So I ate a couple cracker biscuits with some of that smeared on top and I swear to Jehovah I almost premature ejaculated all over myself.

Speaking of premature ejaculation, I accidentally purchased some of those Trojans with the numbing cream on them at Target yesterday. There were a bunch of giggly teenage girls in the same aisle so I just grabbed the first box I saw and made a run for it.

When I got home and discovered what I had done, I called my friend Stew up to seek his advice. He told me that it's the same thing as Orajel and that I should keep them around in case I ever have a toothache.

I almost nearly gagged at the thought of chewing on a lubricated condom.

January 12, 2002 | 10:33 a.m.

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