ARRRRRR. Where's me parrot?

So yesterday I didn't clean out the litter box because I got too lazy and didn't feel like doing it.

I always clean it out once a day usually in the evening because they seem to poop and pee the most while we're away at work. It's like they wait for us to leave in the morning and go "Whew! Finally!" and go have a party in the litter box.

But, like I said, yesterday I didn't clean it out.

So I just went in their room (yeah they have their own bedroom) to clean it out and I'm looking all over for the scooper and I can't see it. It's not where I usually keep it on top of the crate we use to cart them back and forth from the vet. It's not under the bed. It's not on the bed. It's nowhere.

So I pick up the litter box, the kind with the hood on it and the swinging door so stinky fumes can't invade our house, and I lift the top and there sitting half buried in shit is the scooper.

I didn't put it there.

Cristi didn't put it there.

Which leads to the conclusion that one of the cats put it there.

They're always watching me when I'm scooping their shit out. They sit on the bed and supervise. If I could hear their cat thoughts I'm sure they'd be "Yeah...touch our shit you fucking human. Don't forget that big coagulated ball of cat piss. You little bitch."

So I think one of them either A) tried to scoop it out themself when they realized that I had gone to bed without doing it or B) left it as a kind of symbol that they know what I didn't do and this better not fucking happen again or they're gonna shit on the kitchen table.

I had an eye doctor appointment this morning and I was told maybe I was gonna get glaucoma when I was old because something didn't look right in my right eyehole. So he led me to this machine and said "You're gonna have to wear this pirate patch" and I said "ARRRRRRRR. Where's me parrot?" but he didn't laugh cause, apparently, he has no sense of humor.

I had to sit at this machine with a pirate patch on one of my eyes and click a buzzer everytime I saw a light flash.

I think at one point I fell asleep cause that motherfucker would just not end.

I told them I wanted to try contact lenses cause I never had them before and they said "You the boss, boss" and sent a sorority girl in to show me how to put them in and take them out and clean them. And she had the hugest fucking eyeballs I ever seen. I was sitting there struggling to get one of them out and she's saying "Look, it's easy" and I'm thinking "Sure it's easy for you, you fucking Pekingese. Looks like you got a fucking hardboiled egg stuck in your eyehole. You can just reach on up there and PRESTO! But me? My eye's actually inside my socket so it's a bit tougher."

So I got contact lenses and me and Cristi got our pictures taken in a photo booth right outside El Chico so we could always remember the day.

Funny story...it turns out that I hate contact lenses.

I'm taking them back tomorrow and just getting new lenses for my glasses.

I couldn't stand the feel of them in my eyes and I couldn't stand touching my eyeball.

I got Cristi to call them and tell them that I didn't like them and could I please get glasses instead cause I was too much of a wuss to call them myself.

We're gonna get our picture taken again tomorrow in the photo booth cause that's my new favorite thing in the world to do.

Besides talking like a pirate.

OH OH OH....and I have a new favorite diary.

September 21, 2002 | 8:06 p.m.

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