puke + cry

So there I was in Border's purchasing the new J Mascis CD and I'm looking around up front because Squeeks said "You betta bring me home a present, motherhumper!" and I could tell she meant it by the way she shook her fist in the air at me.

So I'm looking and I'm looking and I see a box of Harry Potter jelly beans.

Now, we had seen these before and hesitated to get them. And then when we decided we just had to try them they were never in stock.

Here's why we wanted them:

They have flavors like booger, and vomit, ear wax, dirt, grass, sardine, black pepper, and spinach.

So I thought to myself "Hmmm," and bought her a box of jelly beans.

I couldn't get away with just handing her a couple of beans and pretending they were your average every day jelly bean. OH THAT WOULD'VE MADE A MUCH BETTER ENTRY. She already knew they existed and she's a bit on the suspicious side with everything I do or say anyway.

So I pull up a chair beside where she's sitting and we dump them out in my hand and commence to sampling.

Take it from me, friends. Just because something is supposed to taste like a booger, doesn't mean there's no way in hell it could.

I've eaten boogers before. Both accidentally and on purpose. Both for fun and for profit. So I know what a booger tastes like.

And I've also thrown up.

Even the kind that rises to the back of your throat after drinking too much water and you end up swallowing it back down before you know what's happening.

And apparently, the research and development division of Jelly Belly, Inc. have also done these things because vomit tasted exactly like vomit and booger tasted exactly like booger. Except it was a lot stronger. Kind of like if your friend hocked a loogie in your mouth after mowing a four acre lawn and then downing a gallon of buttermilk.

IT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DISGUSTING TASTE EXPLOSION I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED!

Still....it was pretty fucking cool.

October 08, 2002 | 10:02 p.m.

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