fun with cameras
If there's one thing I am, it's an upright citizen. See figure one for an example:
figure 1
I know it's an ugly keychain, but that just goes to further prove my uprightedness. But that's not the whole story. Oh no it ain't.
There I was at Carl's Jr. in Buttfuck, TX waiting on them to call my number 6 so I could get our breakfast while Cristi was having a pee.
This kindly old woman came up to me and put the keychain in my hand and walked off to show them to other people, too. Well, by the time she got back round to me to see if I wanted to buy it, Cristi had come out of the bathroom and was walking towards us and she SMACKED the poor deaf woman upside the back of the head with a Carl's Jr. serving tray.
I was all "DAMM!" and Cristi was all "THAT'S MY MAN, BITCH!" and I was all "but, Cristi, she's just trying to sell me this keychain...she's not hitting on me," and Cristi snatched her whole box of keychains from her and threw them down on the ground and spat on her head.
I felt so bad I just had to buy one after that.
We saw a lot of neat signs on our way to and from Buttfuck, TX. And I will now share some of them.
i always give a hoot
HAGAR RULES!
The Sammy Hagar grafitti was on a souvenir stand in the middle of Asslick, OK. We drove six miles out of our way to get more film and then drove all the way back to take a picture of that shit!
We also saw a hand painted sign somewhere that said HOME GROIN MATERS.
I, for one, don't want any tomatoes that were grown in someone's crotch. I looked over at Cristi to see if she was registering the same look of disgust but all I saw was her tongue licking her lips and her eyes were glazed over and she was mumbling "groin maters" over and over.
We went down to Texas to watch her brother's homecoming game and to wish her dad a happy birthday. We had to leave Foot-Foot and Fred unattended for three days because we figured they'd be okay if we just set out a lot of water and food.
It was Cristi's task to set out the water and food.
She filled one bowl and two dinner plates up with food and three bowls of water. I was all "We're only gonna be gone for two and a half days" and she was all "SUCK IT, BITCH!" and so I slunk off.
But all the way down I couldn't help but fear that we would come home to find our cats had gained forty pounds and died from their own cat vomit after they choked on it lying on their back in the middle of the kitchen floor.
I wasn't too awful sure if cats had that sensor that tells them when to stop eating.
Turns out they were alright.
They just shit a whole lot.
Anyway, one of Cristi's nephews lives down in Texas and he's funny as hell even though he's only just turned four. And he taught me a very valuable lesson this weekend.
He went to take a pee and when he came out his mama said "Boy, did you wash your hands?" and this is what he said:
And I sat there and thought "That is so fucking true! Not once have I pissed on my hands and here I've been my whole entire life washing my hands afterwards like a fucking SUCKER!"
On the way home we stopped and got something to drink and some snacks. I got some Corn-nuts.
You know one bad thing about eating Corn-nuts?
You never really can tell wether you're eating a Corn-nut or wether you're eating one of your own teeth. Them bitches is hard!
And we saw a bunch of private roads on people's property that they had got to name themselves and we discussed it and came to the conclusion that if we ever have enough land to where the county wants to officially name a road that goes through it and gives us the opportunity to name it we're gonna name it INCREDIBLE HULK LANE.
I mean...that would be so fucking cool to tell everyone you live at 555 Incredible Hulk Lane.
I have one more picture to show you.
WE ARE SO FUCKING HOT IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!