bandwagonesque

I'm jumping that train!

Skim, Joe, and Squeeks all wrote about shitting and/or pissing all over themself and I was all "Hells bells....I've done that!"

1) The first time I can remember is when I was a pre-teen and used to go camping with the family at Lake Blackshear. It was a state park so there would be a lot of campsites to pull into with a couple of centralized bathroom and shower buildings in the middle of them all.

These buildings were never what anyone would consider clean and whenever I had to crap I would purposely drop the load in my shorts because I was scared that if I were to sit on one the toilets in the community bathroom a spider or a snake would crawl up my crack.

My dad got mad at me every single time. He was all "Why'd you crap yourself?!?! You're fucking twelve years old!" and I'd sit there and shrug my shoulders and act like it was an accident but what I was really thinking was "At least I don't have a spider or a snake in my butt."

2) The second time I can remember was when I was working at GNC and I stole some kind of bottle of pills and me and my buddies mixed them with Goldschlager.

There's not much to this story because all I remember is the next morning...which involved me lying facedown in the hallway with my jeans full of shit and my friends sitting at the table eating Fruit Loops. One of them looked at me and said "You shit all over yourself, dude" and I said "fuck."

3) The third and last time I remember is when I was living in Athens, GA and my friend Gabriel was over and we ordered Chinese from the place down on the corner across from the university.

We ate it and we were sitting around and Gabe says "I gotta pack a bowl" and he takes a book into the bathroom and I just keep flipping through the channels.

Five minutes later I broke out in a cold sweat and my legs got all crampy and I had to shit worse than I've ever had to shit in my life and I blame it all on that greasy ass Chinese food.

So I'm all "GABE! Hurry up! I gotta shit!" and he's all "Just a sec...."

So I'm pacing back and forth in the living room grabbing my ass to keep the cheeks shut but the Chinese was winning the war.

I hollered one last time for Gabe to hurry the fuck up but I knew all hope was lost because I heard him fart.

I ran into my bedroom and grabbed the trashcan with the hope that maybe I could sit on it and shit but before I could even get my pants down it came out like a fucking firecracker. It exploded all in the back of my jeans and kinda dribbled down into the trashcan.

I had to wipe with a sock and hurry up and get rid of the evidence before Gabe came out and realized what I did. I gathered everything up and ran out to the parking lot and threw everything in the dumpster and ran back in and sat down and tried to act all nonchalant.

Gabe came out and said "I'm done" and I was all "Oh...okay" and he was all "I thought you were about to shit all over yourself" and I was all "It went away."

He sat down and looked at me and looked at my room and said "I thought you had on jeans"

I was all "You thought wrong, fucker" and kept flipping through the channels.

The only good thing about that particular incident was the dumpster I threw all the shit in was frequented by bums digging for cans and clothes and whatever else it is they dig for and I spent the rest of that week wondering which bum came across it all and what his face looked like when he did.

That's all the times I've shit on myself since I learned not to.

November 16, 2002 | 12:43 p.m.

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