eat 'em and smile

When the alarm went off this morning I was so pissed. I was having a really good dream in which I was best friends with a talking elephant named Gigolo. The only thing he talked about was David Lee Roth. David Lee Roth this and David Lee Roth that. He went on and on and on, but he did it in a funny way. Then right in the middle of a soliloquy about DaveTV the alarm went off.

I tried falling back asleep to continue the dream, but that shit never works. So I stumbled out of bed and was making my way to the bathroom when I noticed a mess in the living room floor. It was our overturned bucket of aquarium supplies. And as I rounded the corner of the couch I saw an empty trial packet of fish food that was chewed all to hell and I saw an orange cat named Fred with the biggest shit eating grin I�ve ever seen on his face and one little fish flake on his left whisker. So I said to him, �Dammit Fred, I�m gonna BEAT YOUR ASS� and then I picked it all up.

Then I made my way to the computer room so I could check my email.

Nothing but porn.

Again.

So I went to the bathroom to do the three Shhh�s (shit-shower-shave : in that order) and after I accomplished a very paltry and shameful first Shhh, I turned on the shower for the second one and stepped in.

Right away, I knew something was amiss.

The water sounded funny - kinda hollow and louder than usual. I looked down and realized that I still had on my underwear (and yes I remembered to pull them down when I took my doo doo. I just pulled them back up afterwards and forgot to take them off after I turned the shower on). So I dropped them there in the shower and rung them out and threw them in the laundry basket under the sink where I hit a certain cat named Foot-Foot in the head because her favorite place in the world is inside a laundry basket and I forgot to yell �fore!�

So she gave me a mean �Mrawr� and scurried off down the hall and I continued with my bathing and my third and final Shhh of the morning, during which I sliced into a mole on the left side of my neck.

But it wasn't an entirely crappy morning.

At least I had a dream about a David Lee Roth loving elephant.

August 12, 2003 | 5:39 p.m.

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