scratch scratch scratch

Dear Plastic Green Backscratcher,

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Whenever I come into contact with whatever it is that makes me break out into hives, especially those super-itchy back hives, I thank Sweet Christ I found you in that run down dollar store on the seedy side of town.

I'm sorry I accidentally laid you across the hot burner on the stove the other week while I was boiling some pierogies. I blame myself for not being able to go anywhere without you.

But those burn marks add character I think. They make you look tough and rowdy - just like the side of town you're from. If your friends could see you now.....

Adoringly,
Fu-Fu

July 31, 2001 | 6:41 p.m.

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