honkin' down the goshdarn highway

You know that sinking feeling you get when you have to fart and there are too many people who could easily hear you if you did?

I had that feeling today. I was down in the dumps about it for a good hour because I really had to get one out of my system after eating what passed for a hamburger steak at the company cafeteria.

So there I was, stomach distended, shifting uncontrollably in my seat, and I realized I had to go pee. Which got me to thinking....maybe I'd be the only one in the bathroom and I could get in there and fart away without any repercussions.

So I walked down the hall to the bathroom humming that Dusty Springfield song Wishin' and Hopin' silently to myself.

I walked in and there was no one else.

So I unzipped and stood at the urinal and let one fucking rip. And it was a loud one, too.

Then I heard the toilet flush a couple of stalls down. I could've swore there was no one in there.

Some guy walked out, about my age, looked at me and said "Damn dude...." and walked towards the sink.

I said "Like you didn't cut one right when you walked in here..."

And he said "Yeah...you're right" then we shared a laugh while we both washed up.

My fart helped me make a new friend and that's the best kind of fart there is.

September 06, 2001 | 4:31 p.m.

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