1) While in a grocery store one day talking to my friend who was a bag boy at the time, we saw a big black woman get stopped on her way out the door by the store manager. A big ruckus ensued when the manager insisted that he saw her stealing groceries by placing them under her dress. He grabbed her arm and she snapped back - not about to let this "white fool treat me like that" (her words).
During the struggle, which everyone in the store was watching, a large ham hit the floor between her legs - very obviously falling from between them. The struggle stopped, the store manager looked down, she looked down, everyone waiting in line looked down - transfixed by the pilfered ham - then she looked around at all of us accusingly and said, and I quote, "WHO THREW THAT HAM AT ME?"
2) Another guy I knew a couple years later was a bag boy at another grocery store on the other side of town, and he kept telling me this highly unbelievable story of this woman he called the "Banana Lady." I didn't believe him one bit so I chose to go down to his store one Saturday and witness it for myself. And I saw it. And I never doubted him again.
Every Saturday this real skinny white woman would come into the store and go straight to the fruit section and pick out exactly twelve bananas. No more. No less. She would bring them up to the register, lay them out all nice and neat in a row, and then pick just one that she actually wanted to purchase, leaving it up to a stock boy to go put the others back where they belong.
And then, while being rung up for her ONE banana, she would pee all over herself and jump up and down frantically and run out of the store leaving the banana. This happened every Saturday. I went back week after week for the show.
Scoff all you want, but it's true. If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I never would've believed it either.
I'm gonna try and get to sleep again now. I don't know how successful I'll be though. Usually when I'm asleep I'm blissfully unaware of all the sounds around me, but right now I'm all too aware of my proximity to both a fire station and a hospital and their perpetual sirens.
And they've both been very busy tonight.