It said to come to the loading dock after 7PM at the main post office on Milgen Rd.
I thought to myself "After seven?"
So I waited around til about 6:45 and hit the road. I found the part of the post office that said BULK MAIL / LOADING DOCK and drove on back and walked up to the back of this building, found a door that said CUSTOMER CENTER and walked in.
I got yelled at!
Some dude said "Hey SIR! Can't you read? We're closed! You gotta use the phone outside if you want something."
So I was all "Well I never" and stepped back out and saw this phone. I picked it up and it automatically rang and some dude picked it up and answered it like this: "YEAH?"
I told him I was here to pick up a package and he told me to hold on while he comes to get me.
IT WAS THE SAME GODDAMN DUDE WHO YELLED AT ME!
WHAT A MOTHERFUCKER!
So he tells me to follow him and we go through this door and all of a sudden there I am, right smack dab in the middle of Anthrax central watching all these guys sort mail and seeing big white boxes of mail everywhere. It was like going to Burger King and ordering a burger and the teenage girl behind the counter going "Wanna watch us make it?"
Or maybe Subway. Cause that shit goes down all the time at Subway.
So anyway, I sign for my package and head for the nearest exit and hop in my car and drive home. When I got home and opened my mail, this is what I found:
a) One Wal-Mart calling card with exactly two minutes of use left on it
b) One paper clip taped onto a pink post-it note
c) One postcard from Santa Rosa, New Mexico
d) One "very strong napkin size towelette saturated with a pleasantly scented cleansing lotion"
e) One poorly executed drawing of Jerry Lewis or maybe Groucho Marx without the mustache...only with ruby red lips
f) One CD that I have yet to listen to
g) One letter written on yellow legal pad paper explaining the contents of said CD
h) One paper cartoon speech bubble that says "Georgia on my mind"
I went through all that trouble for that.
I'm kidding. I woulda went through more. I woulda humped and bumped every crotch in that mail room to get to this treasure trove.
Now I got a CD to listen to.