cleavers and trucks

Narcolepsy is cool. I wish I had it. It would come in very handy right now when I need to take a nap like nobody's business which I can't do because I'm at work. But if I had narcolepsy I could just konk out and all they could do is go "Awwww...look at the cute little spaz done fallen asleep on us again...."

Also I would like to have a flaming case of Tourettes so every now and again I could stand up and yell "MY RECTUM TASTES LIKE TAFFY!" or perhaps "BEAVERS AND DUCKS!" and no one could legally do anything because of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Oh how I love that act. Or at least the idea of it.

This morning I was so goddamn tired that I couldn't remember my wife's number at work, which I call every fifteen minutes or so. I sat and thought about it for a sec and then went "EUREKA!" cause I remembered it. But when I dialed it someone named Amber said "This is Amber," and then I said "I'm sorry. I've dialed the wrong number" cause I'm a gentleman.

So I sat there perplexed wondering how I could've forgotten a number I call every single day multiple times. Then I thought to myself "EGADS!" because I remembered it. I dialed it and Amber said "This is Amber," and I hung up in her face because I'm rude as all hell.

So finally I called 411 to get the main number to her office and had the switchboard connect me to her. When I told her of my plight and how I had forgotten her number and had reached someone named Amber twice she laughed and said "Amber? Amber who?" and I said "I don't know woman! Just some random Amber!" (I was tired and cranky) and she said "Hold on...." and I heard her whisper to someone sitting close to her if they had received to wrong number calls this morning. And that someone informed her that yes. Yes she had indeed received two wrong number calls this morning.

It turns out that of all the thousands of people in the city I could've reached by dialing the wrong number, I got someone who sits ten feet away from her.

BEAVERS AND DUCKS!

May 28, 2002 | 1:28 p.m.

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