purple is the color of my true love's pee

Women have all the luck. They get to pee on a stick and have some magic chemical turn a certain color and tell them what's happening inside their cooterhole.

Men? Well, once I peed on a stick and agitated some ants. And then another time I peed on a bunch of sticks to put a fire out. The only color change I saw was something getting wet. And the only insight into what was going on in my man-womb was that I really needed to pee.

I decided tonight that I'm changing my kitty's name from Fred to Mr. Fred. It has a nice ring to it. A certain juhnuhsaykwah.

Today when I was bending down to get Mr. Fred out from underneath our bed I heard my pants rip. I was all "AW FUCK!" because I really like my pants...but then I realized it was an old pair of boxer shorts I had on underneath them and that was fine. I've resorted to wearing easily rippable old flimsy-crotch boxer shorts because Cristi...she's not too good at keeping up with laundry.

But she sure as shitfire knows how to pee on a stick.

June 17, 2002 | 10:14 p.m.

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