On the way there I told them that we were taking them to get put to sleep and they just looked at me and said "miaow" so I said "No, I'm kidding. We're taking you, Fred, to get your cute little cat nads cut off and you, Foot-Foot, to get your cute little cat uterus tooken out" and they looked at me and said "miaow" and I said "Awww. Ain't you so cute."
Turns out Foot-Foot has conjunctivitis. What kind of shit is that? A cat ain't supposed to have conjunctivitis. What's next? Hemorrhoids?
Speaking of hemorrhoids, it reminds of a story of an old cat of mine named Tartar Control.
Tartar Control, or T.C. as I called him, had cat hemorrhoids. It looked like a big red maraschino cherry superglued to his butthole.
The vet gave me some cat Preparation H to rub on his ass twice a day and at first I protested but then everytime he went to take a cat doo-doo and he screamed in pain I felt pity and commenced to rubbing ointment on his cherry.
(On a side note: when I told this story to my wife's stepdad he said "Why didn't you use a Q-Tip?" to which I replied "DAMMIT!" cause I hadn't even considered it an option)
Well, one night T.C. scratched me in my eyehole (a term that I blatantly steal from dotti) at three in the morning cause he had a bad case of 'roid rage or something and the next day when I woke up I tied the cat Preparation H around his neck and dropped him off in the alley between 8th and 9th Avenue in Albany, GA.
No cat is gonna scratch me in my eyehole!
Roid rage or not.
So, back to the present....Fred's asshole is bleeding.
I noticed it today when I picked him up and he jumped away and I looked at my fingers and they were red. So I picked him back up and turned him around and looked at his butt and it was bleeding.
I said, "Baby, Fred's ass is bleeding!"
And she said, "What?!? That's what that was on the floor this morning. It was a mixture of blood and shit and I didn't say anything because I thought maybe it was me."
At which point I turned the TV up and tried to think happy thoughts.