taking retards to the zoo

I've been lying in bed now for almost 30 minutes arguing with my wife about who's going to get up and go get breakfast while the other lays in bed and watches TV.

You'll know who won the argument at the end of this entry.

We went to the Omniplex yesterday up in the city. They got a zoo, a museum, a planetarium...all kinds of ill shit.

We started out at the zoo first thinking we'd go ahead and walk it before it got really hot. After about ten steps we were all "Fuck this shit! It's hot as hell out here. Let's see the damn monkeys and leave."

And that's what we did.

On the way to the monkeys, though, we saw a pygmy hippo that looked like he had backed his ass up out of the water and blew shit all over the wall of his blue enclosure.

By the time we made it to the monkeys we were both sweating like John Goodman after a masturbating contest in the desert.

Or dessert. We were sweating like that, too.

So then we went to the museum. It was one of those kid's science museums where you can touch stuff and play with everything.

Which I promptly did.

There was this one thing called the Geovator that looked like it would be fun because you got to get in it and maybe go for a ride.

It sucked hard. We had to watch a twelve minute film on how to locate natural gas for drilling purposes and I think the whole thing moved maybe twice. But the doors locked behind us and we couldn't leave so we just had to stand there and tough it out.

So we walked around a bit more until the planetarium show we had tickets for was about to start. It was supposed to be images from the Hubble.

It was images from the Hubble. But it, too, sucked hard. I fell asleep during it several times but Cristi kept nudging me awake cause she said I was snoring.

I wonder if she'd like it if I nudged her whenever she snored.

She'd never sleep.

On the way home we stopped at Taco Bell and got some grub and this girl at the window had the biggest and longest and most luxurious female beard we had ever seen. And she couldn't have been older than 17 or so. It looked like she had pubes growing out of the sides of her face and on her jowls under her chin.

It was gross. We spent the rest of the drive home wondering how come she don't fix that. We concluded that either A) she's a man trying to become a woman B) she's a woman trying to become a man or C) it's just a summer job away from the circus.

Our cat, Fred, has acquired a taste for all things toilet related. Everytime I'm taking a pee now he runs in the bathroom and pulls himself up to the rim of the toilet and watches it hit the water. Every now and then he'll look up at me like he's saying "Cool, man."

And if I'm having a crap he'll run in and jump in the tub and just sit there and watch me.

It's creepy as all hell.

Now I gotta go get some fucking breakfast.

Deluxe biscuit with breakfast steak from Grandy's here I come!

July 21, 2002 | 8:26 a.m.

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