you smell like butt

I'm sick.

Cristi thinks I got the West Nile because I was locked out of the house for an hour and a half Friday night and got eaten by mosquitos on every possible part of my body excluding my genitalia. And while I was locked out of the house where was she? Oh she was off gallivanting around town buying our nephew, Zayne, a big blue bouncy ball.

So the blame is on her. And Zayne. And Texas. Cause that's where we was when I got sick.

Here's a quick rundown of the things I saw or did over the weekend:

1) A sign in the middle of a field in or around Whitesboro, TX that said WALLPAPER. There were no other signs around this sign. There was no phone number on this sign. There was no building around this sign. It just said WALLPAPER.

2) A crackhead trying to steal money out of a parking lot honor pay thing. We were sitting in the waiting room of the tattoo parlor and the guy behind the counter says "The crackhead's back" and we all turn around and there he was.

3) Our other nephew Jeromiah doesn't understand the word "Whoopee Cushion". He calls it either a "Poot Squeezer" or a "Poot Machine" and he loves the fuck out of them. All weekend long all I heard was "Will you blow this up for me?"

4) I got a new tattoo. It's a heart with a banner across it and inside the banner it says ROSEANNE. Okay, it really says my wife's name. But what I wanted and didn't have enough money for was a tattoo of a naked black lady with my wife's face riding an alligator going "Wheeeeeeeee!"

5) I saw where JFK got iced.

6) I saw the two gold towers that appear in the opening credits of Dallas.

7) I saw a Mexican run a red light and hit a guy in a black SUV about ten feet in front of us.

8) I decided to listen to the Silver Jews while we were navigating Dallas because I remembered that one song on The Natural Bridge about turning steers into building made of mirrors....but while it was playing I was told by other people in the car that they didn't really wanna hear it and it secretly made me sad.

That's all I saw.

I've gotta go hack up my other lung.

September 04, 2002 | 10:10 a.m.

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