wheelchair and a vagina

I got to ride in a handicap van today!

YEEHAH!

This woman on my team at work is in a wheelchair for some reason and we all went to lunch today because it was some other woman on my team's birthday.

When I got back from my break Cindy, the wheelchair lady, said "You've been volunteered to ride with me to the restaurant so you can help me in my van. My lift is broken."

I was all "Uh...okay" cause this was the first thing she's said to me since I started working there.

So I go down with her thinking "CRAP! Am I gonna have to lift this strange bulky woman out of her chair and if so will I feel her smushy ass?"

My stomach was turning.

But we got down and it turns out all I had to do was pull the ramp out. She scooted on up there herself.

She had no driver's seat and had to position her wheelchair just right into some grooves in the floorboard and away we went. I think she operated the gas and brakes from the steering wheel but I never was 100% on that.

So we get to the restaurant and I pull the ramp out again and I think to myself "I sure am glad I didn't have to pick her up," cause, truthfully, I probably woulda dropped her.

I'm not strong.

When our food came she asked me to squeeze some ketchup on her plate for her and so I did cause, after all, the ketchup was in my hand. But then she took it a step further.

She said "Could you also cut my hamburger in half for me?"

Her hands didn't work too well I think.

So I said "Uh...sure" and I reached over trying to cut it without touching it and she said "Go ahead and lay your hands on it. I don't care"

So there I was smushing some woman's hamburger bun with the tips of my unwashed fingers while trying to cut it in half.

When I saw that I had pretty much destroyed the top bun by pressing my fingers down too hard into it I said "I'm sorry" and she said "Fuck it" and started eating.

I thought to myself "Fuck it" and I started eating as well.

On the way home from work I got lost.

I had to take a sudden turn left to avoid road work and I ended up not knowing where the hell I was. I had to call Cristi and cry "I'm lost. I just passed some school. Where am I?"

Since she grew up here she told me how to get home and I finally did fifteen minutes later than usual.

She was in the kitchen washing dishes which is something I think she took an oath as a child to never ever do because she never ever does.

Fucking lazy if you ask me.

Everyone should go read this right damn now.

Yay for 12%beer for giving me new funny people to read!

September 18, 2002 | 7:06 p.m.

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