sometimes doo doo has nuts and corn in it

One of the many many things I enjoy is teaching four year olds to curse.

Our nephew, Jeromiah, was in town this evening and I would've taught him much more sinister things than I did if I wasn't being monitored by Wifey McGruff.

But I did teach him to say "I pooped in my pink panties" and "I'm gonna doo doo in my hand and fling it like a monkey" and "This burger tastes like someone crapped on it"

(We were headed to my exstepfatherinlaw's house for dinner and I was trying to teach him something nice to say about the cooking)

I really wanted to teach him to say something like "HOLY FUCKING SHIT PAW-PAW! DID YOU SHIT ALL OVER THE FUCKING GRILL BEFORE YOU THREW MY MEAT DOWN CAUSE THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS AWFUL" but somehow I knew I would be looked down upon for having done that.

I also taught him that the best kind of nut was a doodoo nut. And the best kind of corn was doodoo corn.

He said he loved doodoo nuts but the thought of doodoo corn made him grimace.

I gave him a ukelele that I've had sitting around stringless for years and years cause everytime he comes over he wants to play my guitar. We went looking for some ukelele strings but all the stores were closed.

But it turns out you can get the same effect with 14 pound fishing line.

It's a bitch to tune, though.

Once when I was in 9th grade me and this other girl my age taught this kindergartener to curse. We taught her simple little words like douchebag and handjob and fuckface and cocksucker and she, apparently, went straight home and used these words at the dinner table that evening because the next morning her mom came storming on the bus demanding to know who taught her little girl those words and fingers were pointed and I was banned from the bus.

But it's okay.

I was getting too old for that bus anyway.

Sometimes I wonder what became of that little girl.

I wonder if we ruined her life by teaching her those words.

I wonder if when someone says something to her at work she says "Suck it, douchebag" not realizing that it's frowned upon to speak like that.

I sure as hell hope so.

September 20, 2002 | 10:31 p.m.

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