synthesizers in the rain

You know...I've seen plenty of bad movies in my life.

Or at least I thought I had.

Apparently I was wrong.

Wifey and I watched a bit of a movie tonight after dinner that was so bad it made movies that I THOUGHT were bad seem Oscar material.

It was on the USA network so already you know it's not gonna be a good movie by any stretch of the imagination but this movie sunk even USA to new lows.

Lake Placid.

That movie was so fucking awful even the cow had a smart-ass one liner at the end. He went "Mooooo" but what he was thinking was "I came here to kick ass and Moo and I'm all out of Moo!"

Today while I was pumping gas I noticed that little sticker that's on all gas pumps that says if you drive off without paying they'll revoke your license and they all have a picture of that menacing cop looking at you going "GRRR" but you can tell he's probably a teddy bear away from the office.

But what I never noticed until today that the law saying they have the right to take your license is called, and I'm not making this up, THE PUMP PIRATE ACT.

Well, I had no choice but to get a pen out of my car and draw a little line underneath the first P so it said THE RUMP PIRATE ACT.

I made a dinner tonight that would've had Molto Mario, Bobby Flay, the Naked Chef, the Two Fat Ladies, Wolfgang Puck, that dude that eats the yellow bell pepper at the beginning of each Iron Chef episode and almost vomits it up as the camera pulls back to show his legion of chef minions, and my gramma fucking begging at my feet for just a smidgen of my expertise.

I won't go into detail...I'll just say that while she was eating I could've swore that my wife had an orgasm. Here, I'll get her to vouch for it. The next thing you see in this diary will be her words as I call her in the room to tell you all what she thought of the meal:

Wifey: That shit was so good that while he was washing dishes I rammed my finger down my throat and vomited it up just so I could eat it again. And it's true! I did orgasm. Thrice! I can't wait until I have to shit so I can smell the pleasing aroma and bring back pleasant memories of this evening.

Hold on let me read what she just wrote....(pause).....HOT DAMN! FoodTV better be giving my ass a call. I've already got a list of five names for my show:

1) The Gourmet Cage Match
2) Braising: What Gives?
3) The Gaping Maw
4) GODDAMN!
5) Nigella Eats My Nuts

Come on FoodTV.

The pudding's where the proof is.

(And you know how sweet my tooth is)

September 25, 2002 | 9:48 p.m.

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