i'll tie you up and carve you out

Me and Cristi took our cars in to Wal-Mart to get an oil change this morning because Wal-Mart don't try to sell you forty things extra to go along with your oil change like, for example, $15 wiper blade refills.

We dropped hers off and then went to Marie Callender's where I, for the first time ever, had eggs benedict and where I, for the first time ever, secretly felt hatred for the world for having never made me eat them before.

THEY WERE PLEASING TO MY TONGUE!

So then we went back to Wal-Mart and walked around a bit while they oil changed my car and I bought something for Halloween and Dirty Work on DVD.

We got back to the cars and inspected them because part of the oil change packet we bought was supposed to include a vacuuming.

They vacuumed.

Cristi told me beforehand I better clean out all the Coke cans and water bottles out of the floorboard because they wouldn't do it for me. I was all "They're gonna vacuum. What are they gonna do? Put the trash back in the car when they're done?" and she was all "I'm just saying."

I don't think they even vacuumed my car, but in Cristi's they did. They vacuumed AROUND one little Snickers bar wrapper.

Fucking Wal-Mart.

We bought two pumpkins and I carved 'em out on the front porch and if I have to say so myself I AM THE PUMPKIN MASTER.

Actually, I really do have to say so myself. I asked Cristi to and she wouldn't.

But get this! I asked her to bring me a knife out so I could cut the lid off. She brought one back and said "Be careful. It's Ginsu," and I said "We don't have any Ginsu," and she was all "MOTHERFUCKER!"

So I looked down and sure-e-damn-nough it said Ginsu.

I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE FOR ALMOST A YEAR WITH GINSU KNIVES AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.

I said to her "Well bring me a nail!"

When she brought me back out a screwdriver and a pencil I said "Where's the nail?" and she said "I looked all over for one. I brought you the pencil instead. It's got a sharp point."

I don't think she realized I wanted to cut the nail with the Ginsu like they do in commercials.

I coulda cut the screwdriver but I might've needed it one day.

The pencil cut real nicely, though.

Like butta.

October 19, 2002 | 2:29 p.m.

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