i guess i'm just a little too sensitive

I have had two favorite pairs of shoes in my life. The first one was a pair of brown suede Chuck Taylors. The second was a pair of white Pro-Keds Chuck taylor rip-offs (I liked the little red and blue thing on the side).

And now, thanks to the power of "e-commerce", in the mail as I type this is a merging of my two favorite shoes ever that I found while browsing an online shoe store:

AW YEAH! Get a load of that shit!

(Drew, I know you're jealous as all hell)

UPS tracking says they're supposed to be delivered on Halloween which means I get to wear them while handing candy to kiddies and they can go "Fuck the candy, playa, where'd you get them kicks?"

Today while driving I got behind every slow vehicle that exists between Oklahoma City and Norman and just when I think I've finally passed them all and I can rev my juicy engine up I GET BEHIND A FUCKING HOUSE!

Something ain't right when there's a HOUSE in the middle of the street going six miles an hour.

I started singing the Motherfucker song.

It goes:

Motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker FUCKER (sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy)

I stopped at a flower store on the way home cause my baby ain't feeling good and I was gonna bring her home a nice little surprise. So I walk in and some chick says "Can I help you?" and I say "Yeah, my wife is ill and I thought I'd bring her home something" so she says "Right in that room is all of our arrangements. Help yourself."

What she failed to say was "That room is so damn cold that your nipple will freeze right up and fall off and hit the floor and shatter."

So I'm looking at the ugly flowers and some pretty ones and I end up going for something tiny because all the big ones looked atrocious.

I brought it to the counter and she says "Awwww...you're getting the smallest one." and I look her square in the eye and go "She ain't dying. She's just got a headache. When she catches Hepatitis I'll be back in and get one of those big ones."

Saturday night I WAS Blacula. It didn't go too well, though. The fangs I bought sucked so I ended up not wearing them. So all I had was my afro wig and a cape and that is a sorry excuse for Blacula if ever I've heard one. And to top it all off once we got there someone Cristi works with had an afro wig on, too, but he looked thirty times cooler than I did and then my afro started getting real hot and I took it off and I was just standing there in my regular clothes with a cape on.

Next year I think I'll go as Rudy Ray Moore.

I'll have to start recruiting right away for my all girl army of kung fu killers.

October 29, 2002 | 5:21 p.m.

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