fu-fu is the incredible hulk

I hate that feeling when you think you have a booger but you're not sure so you ask someone "Hey....pssssst....hey....do I have a booger in my left nostril?" and you don't really believe them when they say "no" because nothing that feels that snotty could be anything but a big huge outside-the-nose booger. So you nonchalantly wipe your nose with the back of your hand because wiping it with your palm is SOOOOO third grade and you think "Well, then....that solves that" but what it really does is create a new problem because now you look down at your hand and you notice a long shiny wet streak on the back of it like a slug just slithered its way across it and you think "Shit! I wonder if anyone else in the restaurant saw me wipe my nose and then saw the long shiny snot track glimmer in the light when I pulled my hand away?" and PLUS now you gotta wipe that trail somewhere and there really is no more of an inconspicuous place than your pants leg which creates yet another problem and you start wishing you woulda never asked that person about your boogerness in the first place.

Also...ripping the crotch of your pants from zipper to inseam is no day at the zoo either. That is unless you were at the zoo when it happened, then I guess maybe it is.

I was at the zoo when it happened.

Here's a picture to prove it:

It happened when I dropped a paper Pepsi cup full of sheep food into the sheep's pen because he came at me with such sheep ferocity that I got scared. The next thing I know the cup that the tour guide had just seconds earlier requested we throw away when we were done was now lying under the sheep's hoof.

I was perplexed and angry at the sheep for being so greedy. So I looked around for a stick to reach into the pen and swipe at the cup with to get it closer to me and I found one nearby and I crouched down and leaned forward and I heard what sounded like a huge fart.

I knew right away what it was because once when I was in 2nd grade we were having field day and I was in the 3 legged sack race with Daniel Nance and during it the ass of my shorts ripped and I had to walk around school all day with my backpack slung behind me trying to keep it a secret but Daniel knew and he told.

He told a lot of people.

And then another time I was visiting my cousin in Atlanta and we went to Stone Mountain with a bunch of other kids he knew and we were playing football in the parking lot and my the ass of my shorts ripped and I sat down the entire day and whenever anyone said "Wanna play?" I feigned illness because I knew if I stood up they'd all see my tightey whitey ass.

So...me + ripping seams = a familiar sound.

I looked at Cristi, who by the way, was laughing her ass off, and I said "I think we need to go home" but you know what she did? She made me finish up the rest of the tour of the zoo with a big gaping hole where my peter could just pop out at any given moment and scare the animals.

And then instead of taking me home to put on some different pants she said "Let's go to the lake."

So we stopped at the convenient store and got some cashews and some water and went to the lake where the breeze felt good against my nutsac.

February 04, 2003 | 7:55 p.m.

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