lube and butter

So, my mom, Madame Fu, is in town for the weekend and I believe I have now been in every antique store in the city trying to fulfil her newfound hobby of collecting butter dishes. Yeah. Butter dishes. You read correctly. Not old George Jones records or Alf memorabilia like any sane person would want to collect, but butter dishes.

I have been wandering through these stores only to say to her every few feet "What about this one?" to which she would reply "Ooooh, that's pretty" and then decide not to buy it. Needless to say, I have been on cloud nine.

But, in all fairness, I can now tell the difference between a candy dish, a butter dish, and a cheese tray from a mile away. And, really, who doesn't need to know that?

And on a different note, I went to a dildo store the other day to purchase some lube 'cause we were running low. I stood at the lube wall for a good ten minutes and picked out a flavored one, thinking to myself "Mmmmm. Watermelon."

Well, I got to the counter and the girl was ringing me up and says to me "You know this ain't lube, right? I mean, don't go using this internally cause it might cause a yeast infection." and I just looked at her and said "Oh, I know" but I didn't really know. So rather than be a man and speak up and say "Oh...well I was planning on applying this to either my or my wife's genitalia and having greasy intercourse, what should I get instead?" I acted all "Duh, I know massaging lotion isn't lube. I'm a sex expert. A SEXPERT if you will" and walked out cursing under my breath.

So, don't go and buy watermelon flavored massaging lotion thinking you can use it as lube. You can't.

I have come to a new low. I have, in one entry, written about my day shopping for butter dishes and segued into my failed attempts at purchasing lube.

Maybe I should have taken my mom with me. I could have been all "What about this one?" and she could've been all "Slick as bat shit and flavorful to boot!"

Oh, and to top it all off, while I write about such things, I am burning her a copy of the fourth disc of that Johnny Cash Unearthed set with all the gospel songs.

My week is complete.

April 10, 2004 | 6:13 p.m.

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