writing to st. peter

The dog has a cold and is blowing snot all over me and the missus like a fucking confetti cannon.

I blame it on a combination of the wet grass he romped around in all weekend long, the horse manure he ate in the barn, and the Microtel air conditioner he slept in front of all night.

Manure. There's a word that doesn't get used often enough in daily conversation. Once I tried to get in the habit of instead of saying shit, to say manure. For instance:

I have to go manure. Where's the new Pottery Barn catalog?

or Awww MANURE! I burnt the pork chops!

Needless to say, I could never get in the habit or else I wouldn't be writing about it right now. It'd just be part of my daily vernacular and I wouldn't think enough about it to mention it.

Other great ideas I've had but never followed through on:

I've got snot on my glasses.

April 27, 2004 | 7:52 p.m.

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