Eleven days of not having to do shit except swim, eat, screw, pet animals, shit, and sleep. Oh, and I have to take care of the pool. But at least I can do all those other things while in it.
I didn't realize they were so much work. Every time I go out in the mornings to check on it, I'm all "I know that one day, and it will be soon, I'm gonna get sick and tired of taking care of you and you will become a burden to me just like the cat litter boxes but for right now you are my one and only and I...well, I love you" and I stroke the top of it ever so gently while dipping a test strip into its crystal clear water that Cristi takes every opportunity to piss in to my great dismay.
I'm gonna have to get one of those signs like WE DON'T SWIM IN YOUR TOILET SO DON'T PISS IN OUR POOL except ours is gonna have to say WE PISS IN THIS POOL BUT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SWIMMING IN YOUR OWN PISS AND SWIMMING IN SOMEONE ELSE'S.
I went to Wal-Mart yesterday (as much as I hate to but it's like six feet from my house and oh so convenient) and purchased two floaty raft type things to use in the pool. Since I was off yesterday and Cristi wasn't I decided to, rather than vacuum like she asked, try them out in the pool.
After about twenty attempts to mount the silver one I gave up and went for the blue one. It was much easier to get on and felt real nice. But then I started worrying about the sun burning my beautiful face and decided it was high time for me to get out of it and go in, but as I was headed for the ladder I saw the silver float out of the corner of my eye taunting me going "You're not a man!" so I was all "I AM TOO A MAN!" and lunged for it and I landed on it just right but it was bucking me like a wild stallion and it took all I had to stay afloat and stay balanced on it and when finally the waters calmed I started wondering if the neighbors were home and were watching me out of their kitchen window. Maybe the wife was saying "Honey, you gotta come watch this fat guy try to get on his raft! He's screaming at it and crying!" and so I got off of it and went inside.
And again this morning I had to go to Wal-Mart because we were out of food and while I was in the check out line my cell phone rang and Cristi was on the other end screaming "THERE'S A TARANTULA IN OUR BACKYARD!" and I thought to myself "Well, I'm in Wal-Mart and I left my amazing powers of being two places at once at home. What am I supposed to do about it?" but she doesn't know I thought that.
At least not until she reads this.
So I got home and got the tarantula in a jar and drove half a mile down the street and threw it in some tall grass.
To officially kick off our vacation today we watched Run Ronnie Run, which we had purchased four months or so ago but never got around to watching it because even Bob and David said it sucked. It didn't suck. It wasn't wonderful. But it far from sucked. David Cross makes me laugh so hard that I sometimes get an erection. Bob Odenkirk I can take or leave.
Speaking of erections, I get really really horny in the pool. Something else I did yesterday, and then again today, was take my shorts off while in the water and swim naked. It's funny how a penis floats in the water but balls get all shrively and hard and pissed off.
But each time I quickly put my shorts back on because all I could think was the neighbors staring out of the kitchen window saying "Honey, you gotta come see this. That fat guy is naked and yelling at his balls! And I think he has a hard on!"
I was.
And I did.