Ye Olde entry

Ah, the fair.

The foot long corn dogs. The cotton candy. The camel rides. The big boobs popping out of corsets three sizes too small. The fat guys in capes. The goth kids. The amazing number of goth kids. I didn't know Bauhaus still had such a huge following. And what's more....who woulda thought that all their jet-black-dyed-hair-pierced-lip fans would be so interested in Medieval times.

I went for the foot long corn dog and the weirdo watching and I got what I went for twofold. Seriously, I had two foot long corn dogs and saw twice as many weirdos as last year. We made the "Ye Olde" jokes as I predicted in my last entry. I know. But we came up with some pretty good ones.

Like the girl we saw dressed like a fairy...she had about four teeth total, hairy legs, and was sporting a nicotine patch on her left arm. So I turned to Cristi and said "Look. Ye Olde nicotine patch." just like she knew I would. Then I was all "Fuck this, I'm going for a corn dog." just like she knew I would.

What I wonder is this: do the people who dress up at Medieval fairs, vendors aside, rush out and buy their codpieces and fairy wings and capes and swords in the weeks leading up to the fair, or do they just have that shit lying around thinking "GODDAMN! I can't wait for the fair so I can wear all this stuff out in public rather than just my backyard"

And why do the people who dress up in the style always have to be fat? I'm fat. I know my boundaries. And for the record, If you're gonna be authentic, at least know that black spandex probably was not part of the attire. And also, spandex doesn't look good on you anyway, fatty. Medieval or no.

So, now we're back at Ye Olde house and I've mowed Ye Olde lawn and took Ye Olde Weedeater to Ye Olde weeds. The weird thing is, rather than feeling all Medieval when I say Ye Olde, I feel like a pirate.

I feel like Mouth, Corey Feldman's character in the movie Goonies, when he has to translate Chester Copperpot's old map.

Speaking of pirates, there were a couple of people dressed up like them, too. And there was this one dude dressed up like he was in the revolutionary war. They must have misunderstood the concept.

But enough about that shit, how about this - I've decided to start making my own beef jerky cause I love me some beef jerky. My friend, Stew, sent me a recipe for a marinade he uses and I looked at the ingredients and thought "That's a lot of work" So, for dinner I was eating some potstickers from Sam's (MMMMMMM) and I was reading the ingredients on the little packet of potsticker sauce and I'll be damned if'n they weren't the same as what Stew told me to use. So I think I'm just gonna marinade in Ling Ling potsticker sauce. I hope I don't become some sort of beef jerky tycoon and have to divulge my secret formula.

I'm 'bout to go watch Masked and Anonymous and dream of the day, someday soon, when I can get a booth at the medieval fair and sell all those fuckers some of my dried up beef soaked in potsticker sauce.

April 03, 2004 | 6:57 p.m.

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