chapter one

People often come up to me, I'm talking complete strangers here, they come up to me and say, "Well, Sir, by the looks of you I'd say you must lead a pretty exciting life full of random sexual encounters and Celebrity Telethons."

And I always give them the same reply. "True dat."

Here's an example of the grandiose life I lead:

For about three hours now I have been alphabetizing my CD collection.

I finally got to E and decided to quit for the night. Oh oh...I almost forgot! Somewhere between B and C I took a break and ate some leftover coleslaw from KFC and drank some Eckerd's store brand apple juice and watched a rerun of Just Shoot Me while listening to some crackhead hack their fucking lung out right outside my front door because our crazy religious nut neighbors think it's in their best interest to take drug-addled bums in off the street and feed them and teach them the ways of our Savior the Lord Jesus Christ.

I should write a book.

This could be chapter one.

January 17, 2002 | 12:11 a.m.

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